The Andy Sidaris Collection
BY G. NOEL GROSS

Click for the second of this two-part tribute.

If you're gonna pick a hero, it's best to do your research. And believe me, I've put in more than my fair share of time to truly appreciate the artistry of Andy Sidaris. The famed breast auteur is best known for spy-world actioners populated by death-dealing Playboy Playmates and square-jawed studs whose collective beauty is only matched by that of the tropical locations favored by the director. Other hallmarks of his films include the adept use of remote control cars or planes to deliver spectacular explosions and lingering, voyeuristic breaks in the carnage for his actresses to change clothes, slip into a hot tub, or make sweet love to a man of her choosing. Andy first honed his talents with ABC television where his sports broadcasts earned SEVEN Emmy awards before he eventually answered the siren's call of film and began what would become the family business -- with wife Arlene and son Drew.

Their Malibu Bay Films has begun an all-out assault on the DVD world with The Andy Sidaris Collection of 12 guns 'n' babes epics. Each disc overflows with as much ample goodness as any Sidaris starlet's bikini -- like towering B-queen Julie Strain, for instance, who co-hosts the flick introductions. Andy and Arlene also provide feature-length commentaries that are both entertaining for fans and full of practical "how to" tips for aspiring filmmakers. There's a "behind the scenes" reel on each disc featuring as much as an hour of clips, interviews and gratuitous nudity. Galleries of production photos from the Sidaris archives. Trailers for all 12 films of the collection. Animated menus with audio. And a really nifty printed insert showcasing the girls alongside their vital stats, plus a chapter listing with content icons notating the presence of Bullets, Bombs and Babes. New stereo tracks and fullframe transfers (open matte) approved by the man himself who explains, "We air our films in fullframe because you get more information to the audience, but when theaters screen our movies the projectionist crops them in 1.85:1 in order to obtain the widescreen look. Regardless, we have framed each shot so all the information (people, places and things) are accommodated within both formats."

I intend to guide fellow CineSchlockers through ALL of these eagerly-anticipated discs as part of an ongoing tribute to a personal B-idol:

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 3 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 2 Advice: Recommended Sometimes referred to as a gender-reversal remake of his Stacey (1973, named for Andy's daughter). To Sidaris, it's more of an "homage," but to CineSchlockers, it offers more than just a mere inkling of what would become the filmmakers flesh-friendly milieu. Darby Hinton stars as Cody Abilene, a chicken fried private eye who does more DIDDLING than actual detecting. Seductive Sybil Danning, after a rigorous sleepover interview, puts him on a convoluted case involving the uppity Chamberlain family, their scheming chauffer and a Russian plot to pilfer U.S. computer technology. All of which is a guaranteed head swimmer even after Cody's climatic "Here's how I figured this goldang thing out" monologue, which he issues before the entire champagne-clutching cast aboard his yacht, yep, the Malibu Express. Lots of broad comedy and most of it works. Especially the "drag" racing obsessed Buffington clan (featuring Busty O'Shea) and Abilene's egregiously poor marksmanship with a laughably oversized hand cannon. That's Barry Walsh doing the exceedingly appropriate toe tapper "Girl in the Centerfold." Notables: 26 breasts. Five corpses. Gratuitous MALE shower scene. Cross dressing. Copious diddling. Helicopter vs. car chase. Gratuitous Clint Eastwood impression. Defensive flashing. Quotables: Miss July 1982, Lynda Wiesmeier, is easy to please, "You really are horse s@#% at showing emotion, but I LIKE that in a man!" Miss January 1982, Kimberly McArthur, and 1984 Playmate of the Year, Barbara Edwards, greet Cody, "We understand you're a private investigator -- and we want to know if you'll investigate our privates?!" Time codes: Thankfully, the first FEMALE shower scene is a two-for-one special (12:40). Cody girl watches at leotard central (24:00). A cameo that just gets wackier with age -- REGIS PHILBIN!!! (44:15). Andy's army training film (56:15). Mr. Sidaris joins the picture (1:20:25).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 4 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 3 Advice: Highly Recommended Two stunning federal agents (Dona Speir and Hope Marie Carlton) are working their cover gigs as the island-hoping flygals of Molokai Cargo when they accidentally foil a comically-elaborate payday for some drug goons involving a radio-controlled minicopter stuffed with diamonds. These yahoos aren't too pleased about being separated from their loot by a pair of uzi-toting babes in halter-tops and sinfully short shorts, so they decide to barge in on Donna and Tarya's post-Jacuzzi girl talk. Bad move fellas. Speaking of testosterone, pretty-boy toys Ronn Moss and Harold Diamond arrive from the mainland to join the hiney kicking (via quadruple bazooka) and to fraternize with their fellow government employees. What really makes this sucker weirder than most is that slithering all the way through is a giant rubber SNAKE that just hasn't been right since it ate a mess of diseased rats. CineSchlockers should note that Ms. Speir reprised her role as the lethal Donna Hamilton in SIX more Sidaris pictures and was discovered by the director during the filming of Playboy's Playmate Playoffs. As Miss March 1984 she listed Loverboy and Alan Alda among her favorite performers. Notables: Eight breasts. 15 corpses. Message in a sandwich. Razorblade Frisbee. Sumo wrestling. Cross dressing. Kung fu fighting. Exploding toilet. Quotables: Donna deadpans, "We need to figure out what just happened. Let's unload and hit the Jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there." Romero (Rodrigo Obregon) chastises his employees, "If brains were birds@#%, you'd have a clean cage!!!" Rowdy knows how to sweet-talk the broads, "I don't want to control your life. All I want to do is suck the polish right off your toes." Time codes: Picturesque "Hard Ticket to Hawaii" music video (11:45). Sidaris typecast as breast-obsessed TV director (22:05). Ridiculous skateboard stunt (45:08). An ode to the climatic closet scene in Halloween (1:23:15).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 3 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 2 Advice: Recommended In Paris, the flamboyant crime lord Picasso Trigger (John Aprea) is gunned down in a bloody hit outside an art museum. In Dallas, agent L.G. Abilene (Guich Koock) watches his faithful yard man get blow'd to smithereens by a car bomb meant for him. In Las Vegas, a pair of gumshoes are lured into the desert and turned into extra-crispy Pop Tarts in a fiendish helicopter rocket attack. While in Hawaii, super-sexy spy gals Donna and Taryn (Speir and Carlton) narrowly avoid a radio-controlled model Japanese Zero loaded with explosives. But not before Donna took time out for a quick shower. That's all in the first reel!!! Then it's up to Travis Abilene (Steve Bond) and his crack team of beautiful and reasonably deadly G-folks to sort out the whole mess. This noble endeavour is complicated when he must also juggle between the ample attentions of Donna and a two-stepping interloper with dubious motives (Roberta Vasquez). Among the flick's better moments is during the final battle royale when Donna sends Tarya to attack the house, while opting herself to take the extra-long way by swimming out into the surf just so she can make a Ursula Andress-esque entrance onto the beach. CineSchlockers will also remember Ms. Carlton as a dingy bimbette subject to the wrath of a drill-wielding homicidal maniac in Slumber Party Massacre III. As Playboy's Miss July 1985 she listed "60 Minutes" among her favorite TV shows. Notables: 10 breasts. 22 corpses. Boot scooting. Hitchhiking. Eye gouging. Kung fu fighting. Involuntary freefall. Exploding boomerang. Quotables: International crook (Obregon) has it in for Donna, "We'll put a stop to that squealin' bitch that testified against my brother!" Cowgirl stripper (Kym Malin) is ready for action, "As long as somebody's selling tickets, my tail is shakin'." Time codes: First look at the girls -- and it's a good one (19:00). Spies make a late-night Dallas Connection of their own (36:30). Sidaris steps in front of the camera (53:24). Greenhorn gals prefer cleanliness over godliness (1:05:24).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 4 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 4 Advice: Highly Recommended Having just made a harrowing landing in a tropical storm delivering medicine to dying kiddos, Donna and Taryn bravely fly BACK into the squall, engage the auto-pilot and naturally opt to shimmy out of their wet, clingy clothes. Bless you, Andy! Once in dry duds, mechanical problems force the gals to ditch their plane on a seemingly deserted island where they set up camp, rustle up some grub and go for a sunset skinny dip -- all under the watchful gaze of a mysterious stranger (codger-fied Michael Mikasa). Meanwhile there's some stuff with a shady Filipino diplomat (Rodrigo Obregon) who keeps fussing about gold bars the Japanese looted from his homeland during World War II, and for some reason, the U.S. military has to use their satellites to locate the treasure. But really its more of an excuse for folks to kill and play baffling shell games with each other over computer discs. Playboy Playmate turned boisterous porn queen Teri Weigel plays Rodrigo's ever-frisky revolutionary girlfriend who joins her beau and his henchmen in their quest to get stinking rich which leads them, oh-so coincidentally, to the very SAME island where our heroines are spending an unscheduled vacation. Jiggle-friendly gunplay ensues with the aforementioned peeping Tom lending his samurai swordsmanship in defense of the gold AND the girls for reasons that become clear in a tearjerker finale that tests Ms. Carlton's emotive chops. CineSchlockers will relish the fleshy "film school" clips from Return to Savage Beach, which followed almost a decade later showcasing the combined spectacle of giagundous saline implants and rassler Buff Bagwell. Notables: 12 breasts. 15 corpses. Multiple diddling. Cocaine-stuffed pineapple. Kung fu fighting. Surf side hara-kiri. Excessive gold fondling. Gratuitous five-minute deathbed confession. Quotables: Buxom, redheaded Rocky roars, "Release her right NOW or your church choir has a new soprano!" While Ms. Weigel warbles great lines such as, "My ideology means more to me than fame and adulation. The good of the party is my reward!" and "Your every move inspires a passion!" Time codes: Hot tub celebration of the girls' latest victory (7:16). Our director makes his cameo (8:35). Sidaris goes for the world double-entendre record (13:30). Why this is easily a 4-star picture (32:25). Another reason (49:25). A pornstar should know to NEVER turn her back on her costars (1:12:40).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 2.5 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 1 Advice: Recommended A time-honored "case of mistaken identity" tragically leads to the gangland execution of Hawaiian honeymooners mid-Mai Tai by cross-dressing hitmen. As it turns out, the absurd duo's intended target was Donna's new sidekick Nicole (Roberta Vasquez), thus sending the spy babes into a tizzy that quickly lands them in Vegas looking to get even. TV's Ponch (Erik Estrada) is a South American gun runner with an overly elaborate, Sidaris-style scheme to smuggle Chinese super-weapons through the islands whilst attempting to give Donna 'n' pals permanent bad hair days and engaging in periodic timeouts to cavort with his showgirl-turned-hit-chick "Cash" (Devin DeVasquez). Minus the oil rasslin' and exploding B-actor finale, this particular celebration of cleavage-rich carnage pales, but is nicely bookended by sultry lounge numbers with rhinestone-thong clad crooner Cynthia Brimhall (as agent Edy Stark). CineSchlockers teased by Ms. DeVasquez's relatively demure diddle scene with Estrada will be pleased to peruse her newfound love of nekkidness via several skin-a-licious interview clips featured among the ample bonus materials. Notables: 10 breasts. 17 corpses. Rocket attack. Ninja ambush. Scattergun-toting magician. Gratuitous Obergon cameo as "Large Marge." Diddling atop motorcycle. Ol' grenade in the brewski trick. Quotables: Ponch crows, "My bet is that a Smith & Wesson BETS four aces!" Edy gets catty with Cash, "It must be awfully hard dancing with your legs straight up in the air." But Ms. Speir trumps them all with her silk stockings 'n' hot lead answer to rowdy ninjas, "HI-YAH! MY ASS!!!" Time codes: Greased-up catfight between Kyller Kym and Hug Huggins (29:03). The team gets its "London Bridge" pep talk (41:18). Donna slinks into tasty lingerie after pumping iron (1:07:55). High-combustion reunion with old family acquaintance (1:31:10).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 2.5 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 2 Advice: Recommended Just cuz Ponch got blow'd up in the last picture, that doesn't keep Sidaris from further showcasing the dynamic talent of Erik Estrada by bringing him BACK as a good guy! Not that the girls NEED his assistance. Now Mr. Miyagi (Pat Morita) takes an ill-advised shot at permanently raining on Donna and Nicole's parade. Except he wisely does so from the comfort (and safety) of a spacious hotel room where, with able-bodied assistant Silk (Carolyn Liu), he charts the grim fates of successive goon squads on a great big map from National Geographic with blinking Christmas lights poked through the back. Turns out the challenge for our frisky feds isn't so much saving their purty little necks, rather it's figuring out HOW they've been tracked from Hawaii, to the desert and even a catfish joint in the rural south! Thanks to Andy, that takes some serious hot-tub time to sort out. Although CineSchlockers may NEVER be the same sexual beings after witnessing a shirtless Mr. Morita both giving AND receiving deep-tissue massages. Notables: 12 breasts. Eight corpses. Hula dancing. Ol' missile launcher in the walking stick gag. One poisoned pussy cat. Fireside diddling. Mannequin mangling. T-shirt ripping. Quotables: Leather-clad hit gal Ava Cadell before her more demure days as a real-life sex therapist, "I'M GONNA BLOW THEIR TITS OFF!!!" Atlanta ain't impressed with Duke's wildass gunplay, "If you were like this in bed, half the girls in Texas would still be virgins!" Time codes: Recently roughed up by toughs, the gals regroup and regather their thoughts in the hot tub (7:15). Pat paws his costar (14:18). Cynthia Brimhall shows off her OTHER set of pipes (34:50). Pandora Peaks (a.k.a. Stephanie Schick) knows no fear of drowning mid-diddle beneath a waterfall (1:09:55).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 3 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 4 Advice: Highly Recommended While it's true EVERY Sidaris picture is special -- at least to Andy and Arlene -- a few such as this milk the fam's winning formula so perfectly they're bona fide classics. Where else than a Andy Sidaris flick would a scrawny Japanese villain get REPLACED by the tall, hansom son of 007 royalty (R.J. Moore) who also gets to canoodle with the previous fella's smoldering sidekick (Carolyn Liu)!?! What screenwriter would have coded messages panted over Hawaiian airwaves via K-SXY by sultry siren -- and barely undercover federal agent -- Ava Cadell!?! Who'd stage a breathless surface to air shootout between twin-torpedo'd heroines and a heavily-armed GYROCOPTER that looks like the passionate product of a lost weekend between Airwolf, Blue Thunder and a Subaru!?! Same fella who dreams up a pair of bumbling assassins named Wiley and Coyote (Chu Chu Malave and Richard Cansino) then writes dialogue for them such as "WHEN WE ARE FINISHED WITH HER, SHE WILL BE SINGING THE SONG OF DEATH! AND LUCAS WILL APPLAUD HER FROM H-E-L-L!!!" Or has his leading lady (Dona Speir) brained into temporary amnesia, diddle a bad guy surfside by the light of a stunning sunset only to have her wake the next morning in a fury snarling, "We were never lovers! I FAKED THAT ORGASM!!!" Oh, Andy, your artistry knows no boundaries. CineSchlockers will wanna snag both this disc and Do or Die because each contain rare, candid location footage of the Sidaris team at work. There's also a short reel in which a very nekkid Julie K. Smith demonstrates the importance of oral hygiene. Notables: 14 breasts. 13 corpses. Stungun zapping. Exploding footware. Slow-mo bikini frolicking. Ol' steal a dude's chute and boot him out an airplane gag. Gratuitous shower scene. Coconut toast. Exploding "ACME" hovercraft. Quotables: Mr. Moore's flubbed line finds new life as the only word of its kind in the Sidaris filmography, "F@#&!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Edy welcomes home her hardworking beau, "Even James Bond takes time out for sex!" Time codes: Unbridled lesbian tongue rasslin?! Well, almost (4:34). Ms. Brimhall belts out "Another Day in Paradise," the first of THREE ditties this picture (6:48). Behold CineSchlocker fave Al Leong and his amazing flying machine (22:00). "Sexpert" Dr. Ava Cadell's cavernous cleavage (1:10:14). Donna finally struts her stuff (1:24:35).

BUY NOW! Movie: Video: 3 Audio: 3 Extras: 4 Replay: 3 Advice: Recommended Writer/director Drew Sidaris continues the family formula under Andy's watchful eye. The flick opens in 1865, with a daring Confederate capture of Union gold. Hence "Enemy Gold." Meanwhile, in contemporary Dallas, Becky Midnite (Suzi Simpson) joins fellow agent and sometime bunk buddy Chris Cannon (Bruce Penhall) on a less than by-the-book coke bust. An exploding crossbow melee later, they're put on disciplinary leave, and join Mark Barriere on a camping trip in search of that legendary stash of yankee loot. Rodrigo Obregon slithers into the picture as a vengeful Bolivian drug lord so perturbed by the meddling federal do-gooders that he enlists a towering assassin code named "Jewel Panther" (Julie Strain) to erectify, er, rectify matters. Drew's actually got himself a shockingly comprehensible plot here, punctuated by drool-worthy gratuity by Suzi and her Washington spymaster Tai Collins. Tragically, neither of the ladies returned to the franchise. But snuggled among the copious bonus material is an interview in which buxom Ms. Simpson tells how she landed the role and beams about the joys of strippin' nekkid in DECEMBER for a (glorious) outdoor shower scene. Notables: 10 breasts. 34 corpses. Cocaine-stuffed watermelon. Exploding chopper. Hand licking. Catfighting. Diddling. Gratuitous Civil War reenactment. Quotables: Santiago's goons clearly have too much time on their hands, "You better be nice to me our I'll tell Uncle Jessie what you did to that chicken last night!" Ms. Strain emotes, "I'm suffering from a bad case of PMS! I wouldn't try my patience if I were you!" Time codes: Ms. Simpson slips into something more deadly (11:05). "Let's hit the Jacuzzi!" (21:20). Panther slings a sword around while performing a fireside interpretative dance in black leather S&M ware (1:04:52). Suzie and Julie mix it up (1:21:25).