RetroMedia's goofy little flipper disc, Luana and Karzan, Jungle Lord: The Italian Jungle Collection, is really hard to hate, probably because the two late 60's, early 70's Italian Tarzan knock-offs included are so jaw-droppingly inept that you start to feel a little protective of them. Thrills are almost non-existent, film technique is nonexistent, and the acting is, well...let's just put it this way: the guy in the ape suit came off best. But watching Luana and Karzan, Jungle Lord, I was reminded of those late, late shows on pre-cable TV, where some incomprehensible little foreign number like these jungle "epics" might pop up at two in the morning, blowing your mind as you tried to figure out where the hell movies like this came from. So let's just jump right into Tarzan's - sorry, I mean Karzan's big manly arms (he is so strong), and transport ourselves to the wilds of darkest Africa.

LUANA, THE GIRL TARZAN (LUANA LA FIGLIA DELLE FORESTA VERGINE)

Actually, you'll be hard-pressed to find much of darkest Africa in the studio jungle sets of 1968's Luana, The Girl Tarzan. In the film's confusing prologue, George Barrett (Glenn Saxson of Django Shoots First, If One is Born a Swine...Kill Him, and The Hostess Also Likes to Blow the Horn fame), an intrepid African explorer, is being pursued by a "terrifying" (read: they wear a lot of makeup) group of African tribesmen who wipe out George's group, and almost kill George as well, with a deadly volley of poison darts. Just as the tribesmen move in for the kill on paralyzed George, a mysterious Asian jungle beauty, Luana (Mei Chen, of Queen of the Vampires fame), shows up, her mere presence making the tribesmen hightail it out of there. She removes George's darts, and before he passes out, he notices a peculiar pendant that Luana is wearing.

Some time later (the film isn't exactly clear on this), George is tracked down by Isabel Donovan (Evi Marandi, of Gidget Goes to Rome, Planet of the Vampires, and Agent 077: Fury in the Orient fame), the beautiful daughter of a scientist who had crashed landed in the dense jungle fifteen years ago. Isabel had read George's book on his experiences in the wild, and decided that he's the best guide to help find her father's remains. But George has gone to seed (big tip-off: he doesn't shave), and spends his time gambling and drinking. Eventually convinced to help her, George and Isabel make plans to head out into the studio-created jungle sets to find her father. But death stalks the romantic, strangely-ill-at-ease couple; someone doesn't want George and Isabel to find her father's remains, and the bodies start to pile up.

Coming upon a jungle village (which for once, is actually shot outside), George finds that his bearers have all been dismissed, so he challenges Ukeke (Al Thomas), the man who supposedly is responsible for the manpower shortage, to an impromptu arm wrestling match. While it's no Over the Top, this match does have the added benefit of deadly scorpions waiting to strike the loser. Quitting when he realizes he's beat, Ukeke is arrested and held captive until George can return and properly deal with him. Continuing on with their trek, Norman (Pietro Tordi, of Devil of the Desert Against the Son of Hercules fame) shows up to help Isabel; he's the scientist partner of her late father, and something of a guardian to Isabel. Against Norman's advice, Isabel tells George the circumstances behind her father's journey and crash. Evidently, her father was traveling with his Asian princess lover and her three-year-old daughter (I kid you not).

Inside the deepest parts of the jungle, the team continue on the booby trapped pathways, while George tries to figure out why mysterious tribesmen want the group dead. And all the while, watching from the jungle, just out of reach, is Luana, who smiles at everything the group does, but who skitters away when approached. She saves Isabel (who sleeps during the ordeal) from a poisonous tarantula, and then watches her bath nude in a startlingly realistic studio-erected lagoon (please see picture), as well as watches George and Isabel make out (which Luana pantomimes with a chimp - yes, you read that right). After a "savage" tropical storm (mild precipitation, no wind), George and Isabel make love (Luana watches this, too, but thank god, the chimp is MIA this time), and afterwards, George playfully chases Luana. Eventually, Ukeke, who escapes his bonds, teams up with the traitor in the group (take a wild guess) and captures George and Isabel, who both discover that drugs are at the center of this jungle mystery. Will Luana prove to be a helpful ally in this deadly game of drugs, monkeys, blow darts, and studio palm fronds?

It's hard to determine exactly what director Roberto Infascelli was going for with Luana, The Girl Tarzan. The central character, Luana, has to be one of the most passive action heroes in the annals of cinema derring-do. Luana, who seems to be rather challenged in the thinking department, spends most of the film just walking around the jungle, watching and smiling at the antics of the explorers. Is she high on the drugs her father was growing? Did a coconut drop on her head at an early age? It's tough to say, but never have I seen a title character do so little -- and when she did do something, do it so idiotically (watch her put Isabel's bra on her head -- it's a heaven-sent moment).

And there's precious little action from the other characters to offset their curiously catatonic lead. George and Isabel do a lot of mooning at each other, but the very few shots -- not scenes -- of action, are so unconvincing it's a wonder Italian film fans, who were coming off the violence of Leone and gearing up for the ultra-violence of Bava and Margheriti, didn't riot at the utterly tame nature of Luana, The Girl Tarzan. It doesn't help that the sets are so laughably fake, making Gilligan's Island look like a gritty documentary. And it's the same little ten by ten foot set in each shot, with the actors invariably entering stage left and exiting stage right, time and time again. Constantly inserting badly-matched stock footage does little to alleviate this situation. Ridiculously fake sets, zero action, lots of stock footage, and some questionable acting (read: rotten), makes for an interesting, to say the least, time in the jungle.

The DVD:

The Video:
Although the box says Luana, The Girl Tarzan is presented full frame, it's actually widescreen, at somewhere between 1.66 to 1.78:1. That being said, it's also looks like Luana, The Girl Tarzan was transferred onto DVD via camcorder. Edge enhancement, compression problems and pixilation, along with a badly faded source equal a video image as inept as the dramatics.

The Audio:
The Dolby Digital English mono soundtrack for Luana, The Girl Tarzan is entirely adequate for the reduced status of the film. It appears to be the original English dub, with no original Italian subtitles (or English close-captioning) available.

The Extras:
There are no extras for Luana, The Girl Tarzan (god, would I have liked to see the trailer for this).

Final Thoughts:
Luana, The Girl Tarzan is atrocious, with little or no action, laughable sets, and a lead character who does nothing. That being said, Luana, The Girl Tarzan is so inept that it transcends all logic to become necessary viewing. Put a bra on your head and watch it with the monkey you love.

KARZAN, JUNGLE LORD (KARZAN, IL FAVOLOSO UOMO DELLA JUNGLA)

Upping the ante considerably over the paralyzed Luana, The Girl Tarzan, 1972's Karzan, Jungle Lord blazes onto the screen with all the bumbling, maladroit filmic execution one comes to expect from director Miles Deem, a.k.a. Demofilo Fidani, who gave the world Down With Your Hands...You Scum!, Django and Sartana Are Coming...It's the End, and Lobo the Bastard. To his credit, at least Fidani tries to keep Karzan, Jungle Lord moving, with a willingness to actually film whole, entire action sequences that the makers of Luana, The Girl Tarzan could only have dreamed of attempting.

Lord Carter (Roger Browne) agrees to finance Mr. Fox's (Ettore Manni) excursion into deepest Africa, after Fox shows Carter, photographer Steve Wood (Jerry Ross), and Monica Cromwell (Melu Valente) footage of a mysterious man/ape that was taken by Fox on a previous trip to Africa. Accompanying the group is Crazy (Attilio Severini), a mute guide who has unique experience in the jungle area they're going to visit (he was tortured there once). While Carter agrees to go to further the reach of science, Mr. Fox is very clear in that he wants to capture and exploit the ape man for profit.

Aided by Mr. Reed (Attilio Dottesio) and Macambo (Edward Grant), the group sets off to find the mysterious man/ape, stopping off to let Mr. Fox shoot an elephant (it's clearly just rolling around in the mud) and a water buffalo (same thing), while Crazy "fights" a big snake (by fighting, I mean he holds the sleepy snake in front of his face, and moves it back and forth vigorously). Monica gets into the act by stripping down for the night in her tent, only to be "attacked" by a black widow spider (by attacked, I mean they drag a fake one across her body).

Finally, the natives have the good sense to attack the group, but their valiant efforts to put we the viewers out of our misery is for naught, because Mr. Fox manages to kill almost all of them from one single revolver - with no reloading, mind you. Unfortunately, Crazy takes a spear to the chest. In an hilarious segue, Mr. Fox states everything is all right, with a jump cut showing the entire team tied up at the stake, ready to be slaughtered by the remaining natives. Fortunately, Karzan (Johnny Kissmuller, Jr. - yep, that's how he's billed) and his equally wild mate Shiran (Simonetta Vitelli), spot the trapped hunters, and fend off the natives (a particular delight is seeing Shiran get into a wild, eye-scratching cat fight with a native woman). Shiran goes to release the group, but Karzan, wisely, pulls her away. Still, Mr. Fox manages to get free, and they resume their hunt of the two, but not before Karzan and the girl capture Monica.

Taking Monica to their treetop lair, Shiran pushes her around a lot, while the family chimp looks on disapprovingly (I love the wildly inappropriate 60's cocktail music in the background of this scene). Monica seems to enjoy a swim with the handsome, ill-mannered couple, but before she can fully join in this menage a trois, Monica is rescued by the team, with Karzan and Shiran taken captive. But the team didn't count on the pet chimp untying Karzan, who escapes. In following Shiran, Karzan fights a crocodile (by fights, I mean he rolls around with a fake croc in the water), and fights a great ape (by great ape, I mean a guy in an ape suit -- one of the worst I've seen since that one that carried off Gilligan to be his wife). Will the group let Karzan and Shiran be reunited?

Karzan, Jungle Lord does manage to keep the pace up, quickly moving from set-up to set-up, but terrible dialogue and a barely-there title character cuts the vine out from under this flabby swinger. It's hard to pick my favorite piece of dialogue, but "Naturally, these waters are infested with savage, man-eating crocodiles. If they attack these boats, we haven't a chance." is probably the most giggles-inducing, particularly when you only see two spindly crocs in washed out, grainy stock inserts. There's a lot of stock footage in Karzan, Jungle Lord, but at least they're outside on this one. Unfortunately, the lead character Karzan only shows up for the last half hour or so of the film, and he proves to be a most desultory jungle man. Kissmuller, Jr. (if anyone knows his real name, email me) certainly looks powerful enough to be a jungle man, but he's mute throughout the film, so as for his mime skills, well...he certainly looks powerful enough to be a jungle man. His good-looking mate, Simonetta Vitelli (billed as Simone Blondel here) was the daughter of the director, so that should give you a good idea of how she was cast here. I particularly admire her commitment to the character's authenticity as a wild animal living in the jungle, making sure that she's always in full eye make-up with attractively streaked hair, for every close-up. Although not billed, I understand that Edmund Purdom did the dubbing for Roger Browne's Lord Carter. First, the indignity of The Egyptian, and now this.

The DVD:

The Video:
Presented in an enhanced 2.35:1 anamorphic widescreen transfer, Karzan, Jungle Lord still looks pretty bad, with a really rough, scratched, washed-out print utilized for the transfer. Like Luana, The Girl Tarzan, there are tons of compression and pixilation problems, with blacks that don't hold.

The Audio:
The Dolby Digital English mono soundtrack has no subtitles, nor close-captioning options. It's only fair, with some muddy spots that occasionally warble.

The Extras:
There are no extras for Karzan, Jungle Lord

Final Thoughts:
At least it moves. Karzan, Jungle Lord is really not much better than Luana, The Girl Tarzan, but at least an effort was made to get outside and shoot some action scenes. And RetroMedia should be commended for presenting these titles in widescreen. Some context for the films would have been nice, in the form of text bios or backstories, but the wonder of these wholly inept, turgid jungle misfires more than makes up for not knowing what madness went on behind the scenes. If you like grade "Z" European action flicks, I recommend purchasing Luana and Karzan, Jungle Lord: The Italian Jungle Collection. If you're a Tarzan freak, like I am, you would do well to rent first (leave your indignant air at the doorstep, too). All others won't appreciate the insanity. I recommend Luana and Karzan, Jungle Lord: The Italian Jungle Collection for purposes of nostalgia, for the celebration of incompetence, and for the brave Italian filmmakers here who obviously didn't know what the hell they were doing.