Close Channel D, I think. CBS DVD has released Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair (somewhere they lost the first "The" in the title), the 1983 made-for-TV reunion movie of the beloved 60s cult spy series starring Robert Vaughn and David McCallum. Both iconic stars returned for this limp, unfocused comeback, but neither should have bothered, considering the end results. Perhaps CBS hauled this dimly-remembered title back out of obscurity due to the successful DVD release of the original series a year and a half ago (they're a little late to ride the publicity of that event in vintage TV history), but I would imagine that most die-hard U.N.C.L.E. fans are wise to the lowered expectations of this go-around, and will rent or buy - or skip - accordingly.

Nefarious criminal organization THRUSH has launched an operation to bring itself into the nuclear age - literally. Operative Alexi Kemp (John Harkins) has hired ruthless terrorist Janus (Geoffrey Lewis) to steal the H957, the world's most advanced thermonuclear weapon. Now that the weapon is in THRUSH's hands, head honcho Justin Sepheran (Anthony Zerbe) has it within his power to blackmail the United Network Command for Law and Enforcement and the United States for 350 million dollars - and he wants old nemesis Napoleon Solo (Robert Vaughn) to deliver the ransom. But Solo, a traveling computer salesman/gambler, hasn't been an U.N.C.L.E. agent for over 12 years. An entreaty by U.N.C.L.E.'s new head of operations, Sir John Raleigh (Patrick Macnee), brings Solo back into the fold, who then requests his old partner Illya Kuryakin (David McCallum) - who left U.N.C.L.E. a few years before after a botched, sabotaged mission in Yugoslavia - be brought on board for the mission. However, the pair find getting back in harness more difficult than they remember, particularly when the ransom plot masks a far more sinister agenda.

Having already written a review of the entire The Man From U.N.C.L.E. series, I'm not going to spend any time going over the backstory that would probably be necessary for anyone to truly enjoy watching Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair (you can read my The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Complete Series review here). Glancing back over that review after watching this 1983 TV reunion effort, I was unfortunately reminded of the original series' wit and charm (as well as its wealth of serious/spoofy action) - elements all sadly lacking in this later lackluster affair. And that's a shame, because 1983 was a good year for vintage spy shenanigans. Prior to Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair's premiere in April, a media-hyped "Battle of the Bonds" had been playing out for the previous year, with the much-anticipated head-to-head meeting of "official" Bond film, Octopussy, versus the "official" James Bond, Sean Connery, in his own Bond film, Never Say Never Again (from what I remember, they were both supposed to square off in the summer, but the producers from Never blinked, and bumped the film to the Fall). And with the 80s TV reunion movie craze getting up a full head of steam (various The Return of... titles over the decade covered The Mod Squad, Marcus Welby, Ben Casey, Sam McCloud, The Beverly Hillbillies, The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman, and Cannon, just to name a few), networks found that such trips down pop culture's memory lane where not only cheap and profitable ways to garner some publicity while cannibalizing their old series, but they were also affordable "same-use" pilots to possibly relaunch those same moribund series...if the ratings demanded it. So maybe it was time for an U.N.C.L.E. renaissance?

If such plans were hoped for with Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair (and I've read that they were), it would seem pretty clear that this effort failed to garner much support from even the series' most ardent fans (to be fair, though, there wasn't the ease of the internet back in '83, to make such demands and requests from complaining TV viewers known to networks - snail mail and telephones were it). I barely remember the movie prior to watching it here on DVD, but time (and watching the original series again) hasn't been kind to this jumbled effort. Let's begin on a positive note and state that the best part of Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair are of course, Vaughn and McCallum. When they're on the screen together (and there are surprisingly few times that actually happens here - a big problem right there), it's obvious they're enjoying themselves, bouncing lines and knowing expressions off each other in a manner that approximates their previous duet act 15 years prior. There's a long scene about halfway through the film (another big problem: it takes way too long to get the team back into action together) where Solo and Kuryakin walk along various New York City streets, getting some of the story's clunkier exposition out of the way. And it's a lot of fun because it's just the actors getting into their parts; they're not given silly lines nor required to dodge fake explosions. It's just some actorly back-and-forth, and it's the closest moment in the film to the original feel of the series.

As well, there are a couple of scenes or moments here and there that are amusing, such as Vaughn's valiant attempts to shield his eyes from naked model Randi Brooks (but why would the suave womanizing Solo do that?), or Solo's and Kuryakin's first meeting, complete with a bar fight. However, those too-brief moments are but oases in a desert of ludicrous plotting and scripting, desultory direction, and a seemingly deliberate refusal to give the U.N.C.L.E. fans what they want in a reunion film. I could forgive the convoluted and ultimately illogical plot if that was the only element out of whack with Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair (after all, quite a few vintage U.N.C.L.E. plots were, on the surface, problematic, shall we say? Particularly in the later seasons). At first, I didn't particularly care that the central THRUSH plot took forever to unfold and be revealed. Nor that screenwriter Michael Sloan (Harry O, McCloud, Quincy M.E., B.J. and the Bear, Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and The Bionic Woman) couldn't seem to string together a coherent set of sequences that flowed with some kind of natural internal rhythm to them, relying instead on cheap age-related jokes (Vaughn at one point refers to his "new battery in my pace maker") and relatively lame action sequences (the supporting characters are terrible, too, particularly Tom Mason's patently unfunny U.N.C.L.E. agent from the Bronx).

After all, a bad script can be glossed over (particularly with this kind of television product) if the direction is at least sprightly and polished. But unfortunately that element, as well as the production design, are mediocre, as well. Director Ray Austin, an exhaustive veteran of both British (The Champions, The Avengers, The Saint, Space: 1999) and American episodic TV (The Love Boat, Wonder Woman, Hart to Hart, Magnum, P.I.), should have had this kind of project down pat, but unfortunately, the blocking and staging of the actors, as well as the action, are terribly uninspired (the first shot of Sir John and Solo meeting is hysterical, as they face each other uncomfortably close, unmoving, staring blankly into each other's eyes). Set-ups are of the most bland arrangements, with the action sequences either hampered by the budget or by poor eyesight on the director's part - or both (there's a particularly lame car chase sequence in Las Vegas, with ex-Bond George Lazenby - looking fit in that white tux - popping up for welcome comedic relief). Too many action scenes in Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair are "cheated," which would seem to indicate budget problems: the opening plane crash isn't shown; the "swimming pool entrance" to the dam consists of several divers in a small, silly pool with a quick cut to a badly dressed underground cave set, and so on. As for the bigger sets, many of them look like the crew staked out the four corners of the local Radisson Hotel lobby and let the cameras roll.

All of which, again, might have been forgiven (uh...on second thought...) if Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair had given fans what they wanted: a heralding of the iconic moments from the series. After all, what's the point of TV reunion shows, if you don't harken back to the hallmarks of the original series, and let the cast do them all over again? I want to see Napoleon and Illya enter U.N.C.L.E. headquarters via Del Floria's Tailer Shop dressing room. I want to see those agents prowling through U.N.C.L.E. hallways. I want to see Napoleon and Illya lovingly caress those spectacular U.N.C.L.E. guns again. I want those iconic moments recreated, dammit! That should be the whole point of bringing these performers out to tread the U.N.C.L.E. boards again. Now, if you want to add new elements, as well, then fine - do so. But don't leave out the moments that made the series what it was in the first place. Unfortunately, in Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair, Del Floria's is no longer the entrance to U.N.C.L.E. - which I didn't like - but the filmmakers compound the problem by not bothering to show the new entrance, either (instead, we're shown a cramped, dark hallway with some desked shoved in there, with "U.N.C.L.E." cheaply painted on the side of the wall. That's exciting and intriguing and glamorous?). As for the guns, they might be holding them in a shot or two, but it's hard to tell, since we never get close enough to see them clearly. These aren't nitpicking gripes, either. The entire film widely misses the mark because almost none of it tries to capture the tone or the feel of the original series - so you would think the filmmakers, for insurance sake, would at least fall back on the easiest way to reconnect the viewer with the original: the iconography of the series. Alas, even that, too, is muffed in this wasted opportunity.

The DVD:

The Video:
Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair looks surprisingly good for its age (perhaps not surprising when you consider the majority of vintage Paramount TV shows look quite good on DVD). The full-frame, 1.33:1 video transfer is the correct original broadcast ratio, with minor dirt and scratches popping up occasionally, and with colors generally hued correctly (one or two scenes did look a bit dark, but I suspect that comes from the original materials). The image is relatively sharp. And of course, as is the norm with Paramount's vintage TV releases, there's a disclaimer: "This program may be edited from its original network version." If anything was cut, it's difficult to determine where because the film's editing is so bad throughout, it's next to impossible to cry, "Suspicious edit!"

The Audio:
The Dolby Digital English mono track recreates the original broadcast presentation. All dialogue is cleanly heard, although one can tell that the original sound recording was spotty (some scenes have an uncomfortable and cheap-sounding echo). Hiss is apparent but minimal.

The Extras:
There's a "trailer" for the Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair, but it doesn't look vintage (there are no announcer audio tracks or bumper title cards).

Final Thoughts:
This U.N.C.L.E. is U.N.exciting, U.N.original, and U.N.imaginably mediocre in almost all aspects of scripting, production and direction. Only the two leads seem to have their isolated moments (when they're together), but those are few and far between amid the convoluted, frequently nonsensical plot, the lame action scenes, and the desultory direction and editing. Why anyone but a rabid U.N.C.L.E. fan would watch this is anybody's guess, but even they could probably skip Return of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. - The Fifteen Years Later Affair...unless curiosity trumps their better judgment for a rental.