Originally a sequel novel to Ketchum's 'Off Season', (currently in pre-production) this cinematic offspring takes up ten years after a family of cannibals terrorized the Maine coastline. After an incredibly savage murder spree, investigating officers are lead to believe the cannibals are at it again. The gruesome gourmands have their eyes on babies, for that sweet, sweet life-giving baby-power flesh and blood, leading to your standard siege/chase mash-up of a movie. Self-flagellating topless teens, eyeball sucking goons, heads turned into soup bowls and other treats can't help but warm black hearts, yet Offspring's irritating characters, facile treatment, ridiculous stylistic choices and lazy performances hamstring the movie something awful.

Arguably, good choices include oodles of outrageous gore and lots of horrifying sexuality. Inarguably, bringing Offspring to the screen is a terrible choice. As mentioned above, some Ketchum books make the leap well, but this one is so full of outrageous pulpy lunacy there's virtually no way to film it as anything but a parody. Director Andrew van den Houten seems to take a light touch, but his possible attempts at camp humor come off like a bad FOX sitcom, unfortunate for a movie that doles out calling cards like herds half-naked, dreadlocked cannibal kids marching through the woods carrying legs and bloody babies in plastic bags.

Instead of loopy caricatures, these characters are obnoxious and half-baked: the civilized ones are smarmy when they don't appear to be sleepwalking. Outrageous drunks (there are plenty of them) are way too broad, unlikable and unconvincing, while the posse of cops look literally to have been pulled randomly off the street. If the lead couple is insufferable, the cannibals - when speaking their soul-searing Klingon-like language - will make you want to pull your own intestines out. Luckily, pretty much everyone gets dismembered, so at least Ketchum has some sense of justice. Yet van den Houten thoroughly sinks Offspring; his cute, giggling moppets inspire neither fear nor fun as they hack folks apart with painting implements, and choreography choices like having the kids artfully criss-cross in front of the camera as they prepare their siege, are both completely pointless and do nothing but bring one out of the fantasy world the director has created.

Offspring is riddled with bad decisions, from bringing the thing to the screen in the first place to bone-headed, self-defeating stylistic missteps. On the other hand, it's got boatloads of graphic gore, and that topless penitent cannibal - now why does she do that?

The DVD

Video:
You get cannibals coming at you in 1.78:1 widescreen, to let the blood spray all over the margins of your 16 x 9 TV. Yet, motion blur is the first thing you'll notice, (when you're not marveling at straight-up out-of-focus shots) and posterization of murky scenes, and poor lighting, and a bland color scheme. What I'm trying to say is this is not only a fairly lame transfer, the source material itself is not that hot.

Sound:
English Dolby Digital 5.1 Audio is equally underwhelming. While I enjoyed the weird electronic score that evokes better '70s movies, it's mixed too loud, as are other shock sound effects, necessitating much volume control monitoring to find a balance with soft dialog. Otherwise, sound design is fairly active, at least making for some interesting effects.

Extras:
Arriving in a standard keepcase with a nifty clear plastic slipcover, Offspring at least piles on the extras. In addition to Closed Captioning and Spanish and English Subtitles, there are a bevy of other intestinal treats. A Commentary Track includes Ketchum, van den Houten, and producer/ cinematographer William M. Miller. This lively track features a lot of BTS stuff from van den Houten, pride from Ketchum, and only occasional input from Miller. Progeny: The Birth of Offspring delivers in about 21 minutes a nice selection of making-of information, and First Stolen's Bailout presents a funny three-minute look at the perils of filmmaking and law enforcement. Eight Webisodes total about 17 minutes of more-or-less BTS action that are fairly compelling if sometimes quite short. Ghost House Micro Videos are just that, three minutes of mini-music-videos set to Ghost House releases clips. If you like your music aggressive and fast, you might dig it. A Photo Gallery, Offspring Trailer, Printable Script, other Trailers and a Link to the Offspring website finish off this full plate of extras.

Final Thoughts:
Offspring has its torn-out heart in the right place. Savage cannibals shred mucho flesh while occasionally raping, losing their tops and whipping themselves. Too bad the movie itself sucks. Amateur production values, bad performances, lack of tension, and numerous poor choices - both stylistic and otherwise - take a lot of fun out of the plentiful genre goodness. Grab yourself a six-pack for some derisive enjoyment with intestines (in which case you should probably rent it) or otherwise - and this goes for 99% of you - just Skip It.

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