Short Takes

Of all the promises of the '80s techno revolution, none is more disappointing than the inability, all these years later, to summon a panting, scantily clad Kelly LeBrock within a half dozen keystrokes of any personal computer. Darn you, John Hughes! Until that day manifests, one that'll end all traditional romance, we'll just have to keep rolling this classic a half dozen times a year to keep Wyatt and Garry's dream alive. Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith play said teenage horndogs who, after staying up way too late watching an old Frankenstein picture, cram Wyatt's soup'd up Memotech MTX512 full of centerfold clippings and somehow manage to transmutate a Barbi doll into the real thing. First order of business? A shower! That's thinking, boys. Sure, if it'd been any of us random CineSchlockers, the plot would've played out a wee bit different, which is what keeps Jenna Jameson in zillion-dollar Italian thongs. Here, Lisa's actually more of a Barbara Eden type, who helps her pimply masters win friends by getting really, really liquored up at a blues bar, throwing wild parties and zooming around town in fancy sports cars. That is when Wyatt's a-hole bubba Chet isn't raining on their parade (an inspired performance by Bill Paxton for certain). Such forays into personal growth are naturally far more entertaining when your guide is Kelly freakin' LeBrock -- even with that one '80s folic disaster that's teased out so much it engulfs the entire screen! Surely that wasn't what inspired Steven Segall to hatch FOUR little yard monsters with her. Anyway, this rerelease reintegrates original music into a couple key scenes -- the "Pretty Woman" cover as Lisa struts up a mall escalator and the Rocky theme for her salacious gym-class epilogue. Speaking of, if there were ever unrequited sequel bait, that'd be it! Perhaps they're afraid they'd never eclipse the 88 episodes of Vanessa Angel's titular TV series. Two breasts (No, not hers). Unsanctioned donning of bras. Indoor motocross (Yep, that's our buddy Michael Berryman). Atomic wedgies. Reverse photography shenanigans. Gratuitous jive talking. Man panties. Giant farting slime monster. Gratuitous urination. Geriatric freeze tag. Garry dares to dream: "We gotta fill this thing with data! We've gotta make it as real as possible, Wyatt! I want her to live! I want her to breathe! I want her to AEROBICIZE!" (1985, 94 mins, 1.85:1 anam, DD & DTS 5.1, Trailer, No insert.)