BAYWATCH

Welcome to The Michael Bay Appreciation Society. Get ready for 30 beautiful days of Bay 24/7! Ever wonder how this Hollywood maverick crafted the greatest movies of all time that aren't called Showgirls? Looking for shot-by-shot analyses of Bad Boys II? Look no further!

What the? Who are... HELP! HELP! SOMEONE GET THIS BOWTIED MAN OUT OF MY CUBICLE. AJKH AASFIMQWASI

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Greetings from Tromaville!

Thanks to our good friends in the mountains of Afghanistan, we've learned a thing or two about hijacking. We're taking over DVD Talk's horror column and holding it for a $2 million ransom like they do off the coast of Somalia. If you don't pay the ransom, you will be subjected writing of less value than Roman Polanski's Swiss lifetime achievement award. For the next month, look upon this column as the Two Girls One Cup of DVD Talk!

The Troma fans and I are very fond of DVD Talk. I knew it was changing the landscape of the internet from way back when Geoffrey Kleinman slept on a couch in the Troma condo during TromaDance in the early years. I'm hazy on what happened, but if Geoffrey would like to buy back those pictures of him and the goat, he can contact me at [email protected].

I believe Troma was the first studio to embrace DVD. I was an expert on having VD, so adding another "D" seemed only natural. During my year in Chad, I truly believed there were eyes growing on my penis (the dengue fever had dazed me a bit).[1] Indeed, Troma distributed movies on DVD before anyone else. There was only one bump in the road: hardly anyone owned DVD players at the time.

Thank you fans and DVD Talk for reading this dribble, and remember for a mere $2 million ransom, you can have your horror column back. You can send the ransom money to:

The Troma Building
36-40 11th St.
Long Island City, NY 1106

If not, here's evidence of what I am capable of:

Remember, if you don't pay the $2 million ransom, I will become the herpes of cyberspace. I won't go away![2] I'll be back here tomorrow to talk about our newest release The Hanging Woman, a tribute to David Carradine and the great art of autoerotic asphyxiation, made in 1973!

Toxie Loves You,

Lloyd Kaufman

[1] If you don't believe me, you can consult my first book All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned from the Toxic Avenger.

[2] For video evidence, see this!