Sometimes you see a film so bad you think, "I can't believe this was actually released in theaters." But the straight-to-DVD fiasco "Bottoms Up" marks the first time I've thought, "I can't believe this was actually released on DVD." I'd have thought something this bad would skip DVD and go straight to the incinerator.

It stars not one but two people who cannot act, Paris Hilton and Jason Mewes. Now, I find Mewes entertaining as Jay in the Kevin Smith movies, but let's not kid ourselves into thinking he is an actor -- or if we do kid ourselves, let us look at "Bottoms Up" as strong evidence to the contrary. As for Paris Hilton, I am amazed that her name is still a selling point. Doesn't everyone hate her? I mean EVERYONE? And even if there are people who find her interesting, do even THOSE people think she has talent as an actress? Don't her skills lie in other areas, such as amateur pornography-making and STD-collecting?

"Bottoms Up" is about a Minnesota bartender named Owen (Mewes) who goes to L.A. hoping to win a bartending contest's cash prize and help save his family's failing restaurant. He loses the contest before the movie is even 15 minutes old, but refuses to go home without the $10,000 he was planning to win. L.A. is the land of opportunity, right?

Owen's Uncle Earl (David Keith) is a flamboyantly gay man who lives in the closet and tries to hide his lifestyle from Owen. Earl works as a cameraman for an "Access Hollywood"-type TV show and gets Owen a job working alongside him, which job Owen loses after nearly being run over on the studio lot by one Lisa Mancini (Hilton), daughter of a studio bigwig.

Angry that this spoiled debutante has gotten him fired, Owen digs up some dirt on Lisa and uses it to blackmail her into helping him get into Hollywood's cool social circles. His master plan is to befriend Lisa's boyfriend, hot young actor Hayden Field (Brian Hallisay), and get Uncle Earl an exclusive interview with him. That interview would be worth $20,000 or more to the tabloids shows, and Earl and Owen would both have the money they crave.

But let's pause a moment. The whole reason Owen stays in L.A. is that he doesn't want to go home without $10,000. When he confronts Lisa with the dark secret he has learned about her, she even offers him money as a means of keeping him quiet. WHY DOESN'T HE TAKE IT? Why doesn't he say, "OK, pay me $20,000 and I won't tell anyone"? Why put a convoluted plan of action involving celebrities, interviews and subterfuge into effect instead?

Also, the idea that the star-of-the-moment Hayden Field would be reclusive and refuse to do interviews is laughable. He's comparable to an Ashton Kutcher or a Tobey Maguire. How long would a guy like that remain at the top of the food chain without doing interviews? Answer: It was a trick question. He wouldn't get to the top in the first place without doing press tours, making publicity appearances, etc., etc. (I'm always amused when movies about the workings of Hollywood don't actually know how Hollywood works.)

Anyway, Lisa introduces Owen to Hayden, and Owen is soon part of Hayden's entourage. Meanwhile, Owen and Lisa, who clashed at first, start to fall for each other in what might be the blandest, most chemistry-free romance in the history of film.

Uncle Earl is an embarrassing old queen whose every double-entendre will make you roll your eyes, if not shoot yourself in the head. His shameless drooling over Hayden Field is icky. Between his behavior and all the male characters' constant fratboy-style joking about gay sex -- one of them turns out to have done a solo porn video -- it's hard to tell whether the movie hates gays, is gay, or both.

Badly directed by Erik MacArthur from a script he co-wrote with Nick Ballo, the film is astonishingly unfunny, sometimes even incoherent. In one scene, characters are talking to each other and then suddenly move to different places in the room, their conversation having leapt ahead a few minutes. Obviously some time passed -- yet there was no transition of any kind, just an abrupt jump. In other scenes, shots that would have been too difficult or expensive to create are replaced with crappy animations. Sometimes when something wacky happens, it is accompanied by cartoony sound effects, I kid you not. Sometimes Paris Hilton speaks in such a mumbly, monotone whisper that you can barely make out what she's saying.

The film is 87 minutes long and didn't make me laugh even once.

I suspect the writers felt that if they peppered the dialogue with relentless profanity, vulgarity and sexual innuendo, it would trick people into thinking that it was funny. I mean, cussing is hilarious, right? The kids do it on "South Park" all the time, and that's a funny show! But there's more to being funny than just swearing a lot. "Bottoms Up" is all surface and no substance, a hollow shell made of inane plot shenanigans with absolutely no content inside.

THE DVD

There are optional English and French subtitles. There are no alternate language tracks. Paris Hilton is blond on the DVD cover even though she is brunette in the film. The back cover calls her character's boyfriend Peyton even though his name is Hayden.

VIDEO: The non-anamorphic widescreen (1.85:1) transfer is reasonable. Believe me, the way the film looks is the least of its problems.

AUDIO: Dolby Digital 5.1. It's fine, except for the times when you can't hear Paris Hilton very well, although maybe that's a good thing.

EXTRAS: Some trailers for other direct-to-DVD movies (oh, and "Basic Instinct 2," which SHOULD have been direct-to-DVD). That's it. No other extras.

IN SUMMARY

On the other hand, there are some half-naked hot chicks in it, at least for a few moments here and there. But no, still. Don't subject yourself to this crap.